Breakin' the Maui Curse

Tamara and I will be visiting Maui at the end of January 2010. This will be her second visit to Maui and my fifth. Some wonder why I would want to return for a fifth time, so I have posted a write-up from our previous visit around the turn of the century that lays out the reason for the return.

By the way, we have rented a Jeep for this return adventure. ;-)

Lovin’ and Livin’ To The Music of Gail Swanson
By Bruce Gulde

My wife, Tamara, and I had just completed a day of sightseeing on Maui, Hawaii in June of 2001. This was my fourth visit to Maui, but it was Tamara’s first time on the island. We decided to steer our rental Jeep into Lahaina for a nice cold beer and a huge hunk of meat, so we figured what better place to start our evening than a burger place I had visited in the past – Cheeseburger In Paradise.

It was around 6:00pm and as we walked through the door of the open-aired restaurant we could see that it had its usual tourist-and-locals-packed-wall-to-wall atmosphere. I guided Tamara up the stairs to the second floor where I knew there was a great view of the harbor of this former whaling village and, of course, a bar serving microbrew beer. We took a couple of stools at the end of the bar. As we looked outside and took in the beauty of the island and the ocean, we raised our glasses to a toast for a wonderful time together.

Soon, Tamara needed to make a trip to the restroom, and as she left I started to reflect on my previous trips to Maui. I realized that this was my fourth trip to Maui and each time I had traveled here it had been with a different woman – two previous wives, a girlfriend from England, and now Tamara. It seemed like there was some sort of curse that the Maui gods had put upon me because each time I brought someone with me to Maui we would end up eventually breaking up. As I took another sip of beer, I suddenly realized that I had never brought any of the previous women back for a second time! I definitely didn’t want the same fate to be in store for the current marriage of Tamara and me.

Ding! Ding! Ding! The alarms in my head rang and a light suddenly came on – what I needed to do to break the curse was to ensure that Tamara and I returned to Maui – and the sooner the better!

When Tamara returned I informed her of my sudden insight and that we must plan to return to Maui at our earliest convenience to break the curse. She was all in agreement to that and we toasted again to our vow to return.

As we were sitting and chatting with others who were enjoying the surroundings, the evening’s musician appeared at a small stage at the opposite end of the room. In between were tables where patrons were eating burgers and consuming exotic-looking drinks.

As the singer, Gail Swanson, began her set, Tamara and I became a couple in the corner of the burger joint with open windows and the sounds of street traffic below wafting into the room and mingling with the other sights, sounds, and fragrances in the air.

After Gail Swanson’s first set, we knew we enjoyed her music enough to buy copies of her CDs that she had for sale next to her on the stage. We bought two of her CDs and she came by to speak to us for a bit as she went to rest up for her next set.
We decided to stay for another of Gail’s sets, get a bite to eat, and head back to our hotel on the other part of the island. Her second set was just as satisfying as the first, and we left Cheeseburger In Paradise with good food in our bellies and good songs in our hearts.

We started up the Jeep and headed out to our hotel in Wialea, driving on the highway which edges next to the Pacific Ocean. The palm trees that could be seen in the darkness along the side of the road and the whitecaps on breakers in the distant surf reflecting moonlight acted as sirens and lured me into pulling the Jeep off the road and onto a nearby beach.

Tamara knew what I had in mind, and we popped one of Gail Swanson’s freshly bought CDs into the Jeep’s CD player. With the sounds of great music, breaking surf, palm fronds whispering above us, and the feel of the Hawaiian trade winds, Tamara and I made love in paradise.

With a warm afterglow, we then continued our journey back to our hotel. I had another spur of the moment idea and told Tamara that I had always wanted to drive while I was naked. Well, being that it was a typical tropical night of balmy weather, the road back to the hotel was without streetlights for most of the way, and the drive wasn’t all that far, I figured this was a golden opportunity to live out another one of my crazy desires. So I drove back to the hotel feeling free and as “naked as a Jaybird,” as my mother used to say.

Tamara and I joked and giggled on our way back to the hotel. As we neared our hotel, I realized it may not be a good idea to drive up to valet parking without a stitch of clothing. Besides, I didn’t want to scare away any of the other hotel guests! There were 4 hotels in a row where we were staying, and ours was on the far end of the string. So I came up with a plan -- I would pull into the hotel that was next to ours and at least put on some shorts before we got to our final destination.

Still giggling, we drove into the designated hotel where their ever-diligent valet came out to greet our Jeep as we were rolling up. Not wanting to stop and have him see my nekkidness, I drove right by him and we waved to him with big ol’ grins on our faces. I stopped the Jeep about 50 yards beyond where the valet had been standing, but I noticed in my rearview mirror that he was approaching our vehicle. I told Tamara he was walking our way, but she knew me well enough to know that him walking towards us would not stop me from my mission.

I opened the door of the Jeep and stepped out with my back to the approaching valet. I grabbed my shorts and bent over to put them on, thus providing the valet with a Full Moon as I proceeded to put on my shorts and then zip them up. I zipped back into the still-running Jeep with Gail Swanson’s CD playing, closed the door, and again looked in the rearview mirror as I put the Jeep into gear and stole away into the night. There I saw the valet walking away and shaking his head, while probably thinking, “Just another crazy tourist!”

Since we returned to our home on the mainland in Long Beach, California, where we continue to listen to and enjoy the music of Gail Swanson on her CDs. Each time we listen to her we flashback to the great times we had while on Maui and specifically that one evening. Tamara and I will be returning shortly to Maui, visit that burger joint with no windows, being a couple sitting in the corner, listening to another set or three of Gail Swanson, and also enjoying any other island adventures that may await us there. We gotta break that curse, too, don’tcha know?

© 2003

Winter Salts Us

Well, Winter Solstice has occurred and we are in the first full day of winter. This is one of the days of the year I look forward to as the amount of daylight becomes longer as the old Sol starts travelling higher in the sky. Sol, he’s good for the soul, especially this pagan one.

The town of Ouray, Colorado celebrated Festivus this past Sunday. It was a grand celebration on one of the side avenues off Main Street. It had been a balmy 40+ degrees in the afternoon, but once old Sol disappeared behind the western ridge of the San Juan Mountains, old Jack Frost started nipping at our noses. But there were burn barrels to keep our exteriors toasty while there were various beers and other imbibements to warm our interiors. There was even a vendor there selling ice cream. He seemed out of place but was drawing a lot of business. And then there were the fire dancers with their blazing batons, fans, and spinning fire pots and flaming ice. It was quite a street fair for this small town. These events always remind me of episodes of Northern Exposure, as Ouray is about the same population as the fictional town of Cicely, Alaska and has as many quirky characters – and we are one of them.

So to all: Have a Wonderful Winter whether it be in the snowy mountains, sandy beaches, or the flatlands.

One Last Thing: I saw Saul on the Salton Sea aside Sol sun screening with saline solution during the Solstice.

Nothing Like a Warm Roll …

… of toilet paper. Yes, I accidently discovered a simple pleasure of life the other day. (If you are not into bathroom humor, you may want to eliminate this blog from your reading room)

Tamara was taking a shower in our main bathroom the other day, so when nature called me I headed downstairs to one of our other bathrooms – the one just off the kitchen. Being a cold morning in Southwestern Colorado, I turned on the floorboard register in that bathroom that happens to be to the right of the toilet. After reading a couple of short articles in Men’s Journal, it was time to use the toilet paper. The toilet paper roll holder is placed about a foot and a half above the heat source, and as I unrolled the paper from its spool, I could feel its warmth in my hand. I knew at that moment what I was about to experience. Just as I had anticipated, it was a true unexpected pleasure – kinda like warm butt’er being applied to fresh buns.

This reminded me of the house in Northwestern Ohio my six siblings and I spent our formative years. This house had a furnace in the basement that was lucky to keep us from seeing our breath on a cold winter day, and for a family of nine, only one bathroom. The one luxurious feature in the bathroom was the heater vent next to the toilet. Needless to say, there were a lot of times where an impatient family member would knock on the door and interrupt many a warming of the buns.

Well, lucky for you, I have reached the end of this short roll.

One Last Thing: Did American Indians have TP in their teepees? Tee hee!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

I woke up this morning at around 7am to take the dog, Aspen, outside for her morning ritual. Fortunately, it had not snowed any more during the night, so there was only about 12 inches of fresh powder on the ground. Before I ventured outside I checked the indoor/outdoor thermometer. It showed the current temperature to be 9 degrees and the low during the night had gotten down to 8 degrees. I took Aspen out and let her romp for a while. After about 5 minutes she was lifting her paws one at a time as though she had hurt them. I finally realized she was lifting them out of the snow because the poor doggy’s doggies were COLD! I took her inside to warm up.

Today is the 14th Wedding Anniversary of Tamara and me. I would have liked to lie in the nice warm bed for a while, but got out of bed for two reasons – the aforementioned doggy duties, and Wednesdays are trash days. I had to go down to the store and set out the trash at the curb. Due to city ordinances written to keep the critters out of the trash (like crows, dogs, and in the summer time, bears!), we are not able to set the trash out the night before and stay snug as a bug in bed the next morn. So I went down to prep the trash (more on that another time) and set it outside.

After I had completed the weekly rubbish routine, I headed over to the local Backstreet Bagels shop to get breakfast to go for Tamara and me. They make a great Omelet, amongst other delectable dishes, and I took it home with the intent of sitting in bed and partaking of the warm fare. As I walked in the door and stared up the stairway to our bedroom, I could see Tamara had already dressed. She stated that it was pretty warm already in the bedroom. We have large south-facing windows that allow the solar energy to do its thing when there is no cloud cover, as was the case this morning. After being in and out of the single digit weather for the last hour, I thought, “Pretty warm sounds good!” Then Tamara says, “Oh, how nice, you brought breakfast. Would you like to eat it in the sun on the deck?” My first reaction to myself was, “Hell, no. Do you know how cold it is out there?!” But then I gave it further thought, knew the sun was shining and there was no wind, and decided it may not be a bad idea, especially since I was already bundled up and by now it had warmed up to a balmy 15 degrees.

So we headed for the deck and sat outside on a crisp, clear, blue-sky, clean air, Ouray Colorado morning and enjoyed one of the many reasons we live here – and why we enjoy our lives together.

One Last Thing: In the winter do the evergreens ever pine for summer?

There’Snow Business Like Snow Business!

OK, the title is a bit corny (like corn snow the skiers are familiar with), but it’s been a while since my last blog entry and I’m a bit rusty. Perhaps I’ll warm up as things go along here and I start writing more frequently.

We woke up to the results of Ouray’s first almost-Winter snow storm this morning. We had some snow in November, but that was the wet, heavy stuff and most of it had melted into the appropriate waterways. I believe this snow is here to stay for the rest of the season and laying a nice foundation for those yet to come.

Tamara and I lifted the blinds this morning to check out the accumulation. It appeared to be 6 to 9 inches on our upper deck. Not bad. We decided not to shovel the decks and roof yet as it was still snowing and predictions were for another 24 hours of the stuff. We decided to lie in bed for a while and sip our coffee as we looked out our bedroom windows at the newly snow-covered San Juan Mountains.

We now also have another element in our life’s equation – a dog! We picked up a Golden Retriever puppy in Greely, Colorado in October. She’s a beautiful dog. Her name is Aspen since she has the same coloring as the trunk of an Aspen tree. Aspen is a white-colored Golden Retriever, which comes from her European mix. She is off-white enough that we haven’t lost her in the snow yet.

Even though we delayed the removal of snow at the house, I still had to go to our store, Mountain Fever Shirts & Gifts, and move the snow off the sidewalks there. I say sidewalks because we have a corner location, so we get to shovel the front and side sidewalks. If we only had a sidewalk in the front, would it be a frontwalk?

As I was shoveling and not expecting much business today because of the weather, two women walked by and asked if anything in town was open. I pointed to our store and said this one is open. Of course a sign on the door that says OPEN and a neon OPEN sign above the door must leave a question in some people’s mind. They were from Southern California and naturally asked about the winter weather in Ouray. I gave my canned speech about being from SoCal and not missing it at all, and that when I am shoveling snow I remind myself I would rather be shoveling snow than sitting in traffic on a rush hour freeway! Besides, with all the shoveling, who needs CrossFit?!

That’s it for today. The goal is to make more frequent entries here and comment more about things that have happened in our lives since last spring.

One Last Thing: I had to go to the local Ouray Variety Store today to get some stuff to de-ice the sidewalk and an energizer for my flashlight. I told the clerk I was there for A Salt and Battery!

Happy Tax Day Eve!

Well, it’s here upon us. Most of us survived the Ides of March without a Ceasure, and now the bane of employed Americans is nigh – Tax Day. Some have already filed and gotten their refund while the rest of us wait until the last day to submit our dues to Uncle Sam and the Infernal Revenue Service for the privilege of living the US of A. On the 15th the big city newscasts will have a reporter stationed at the post office drop off that stays open until the official filing deadline of midnight. They will report on the procrastinators and show the lines of those dropping off their tax returns just before midnight. Watching such reports can be overly taxing.

It has still been spring time conditions here in the San Juan Mountains – sunny and warm one day and rain or snow the next. It has been fairly mild the last two days, but a cold front is blowing this way and moisture in the form of flakes. At least it doesn’t stick and no shoveling required. I guess I’ll just have to do pushups for exercise.

One last thing: If gainful employment creates income tax, does being unemployed cause anxiety attax?

Mother Nature's April Fools Day

Well, Mother Nature had her little April Fools joke here in Ouray, Colorado today. This morning showed the results of snowing about 3-4 inches last night. I got up to get the morning coffee and looked outside to see some blue sky to the north and figured the sun would make quick work of melting the new snow off the roads and sidewalks by noon. Figuring I would help things along, I went to the shop to pick up some recyclables to bring up to our curbside pickup at home since the Waste Management will not pick up recycled material, especially cardboard, at the office location. Go figure. While I was at the shop I figured I would go ahead and shovel the sidewalks and have them nice and clear for when we opened the stores at 11am and the sun would be shining.

After getting back home and putting the recyclable cardboard at our curb, I went back into the house to have a second cup of organic and locally roasted coffee. As I sipped the hot brew, out the window I noticed blizzard conditions. Where the hell did that come from? Tamara and I continued to get ready to go to work and the snow continued to fall from the sky in all different directions. We headed out at 11am, and after I brushed off the 4 inches of new snow that had accumulated on our truck during the hour I had been home, we headed out the driveway and turned left on Oak Street. Some guy was walking his schnauzer without a leash and the dog almost ran under the truck. I started down the Oak Street hill and noticed the trash truck heading up the hill. Since Oak Street is a 1 ½ lane street, I pulled into the nearest driveway and turned around to head the other way. Even in 4-wheel drive I was spinning the tires a bit and the trash truck was trying to keep its momentum going and not coming to a stop, thus causing my rearview mirror to be filled with the image of the grill of the Waste Management truck. I was able to get headed straight and took the long way around to the shops and used some side streets to navigate the partially plowed streets of Ouray.

We made it to the shops and opened the stores. Of course, the weather was not conducive to shopping, so for the most part, shoppers stayed off the streets. Oh, well, there are always more shirts to be folded and back rooms to organize. I hope Mother Nature enjoyed her little April Fools Day joke. We were not amused.

However, the forecast for tomorrow is for a full day of sunshine and warmer temperatures. We’ll see how that works out.

One last thing: If April showers bring May flowers, when did the pilgrims get here?